A year ago today, we laid eyes for the first time on this
sweet little one.
I will never
forget that feeling. Let me rewind
a little and go back to that very day…
I was at work and it was just your typical day, but extremely
busy as I was taking off for two week to help lead a mission trip to Guatemala.
Nate and I had joked a few months before when we committed to leading two teams
back to back that wouldn’t it be funny (or not so funny) if we got a referral
while we were in Guatemala? (knowing that it would be complicated and quite
honestly they would unlikely be able to reach us anyway) So on this very Wednesday, October 22,
I had been working hard to try to get ahead on work and cover all the bases
while I would be out when suddenly I looked down and my cell phone was ringing.
It was our
adoption agency. (Insert both excitement, panic, and shock!—well sort of, we
were on alert and in our hearts knew we’d get the call soon, but you just never
know exactly when to expect it)
For those of you who have given birth to a child, you know
what it is like to wait for “that moment to arrive” – when you will see your
child’s face for the first time. When you will suddenly realize that labor is
beginning and things are going to start moving along at a fast pace that, quite
honestly, you have absolutely no control over. In the world of adoption, there are some experiences that
parallel with this and “THE REFERRAL CALL” ,as it’s known in the world of
adoption, is one of those moments.
The only tricky thing about “the call” is that much like a pregnant
momma who experiences false alarms prior to giving birth, families can get a
call and it still not always result in the start of “adoption labor” and
doesn’t always result in the family’s final match of their child. There are so many variables with
international adoption, and particularly when families participate in a medical
needs program. So many unknowns. So many decisions. (but we will leave that for
another day and another post)
I hurriedly answered it and on the other end was one of the
China staff members saying, “We have a match for you and would like to talk to
you about a beautiful little girl!” I will admit my heart skipped a few beats
because all I could focus on in the moment was where my mind was already racing
to and apparently I had already begun carrying on a conversation with myself-- “Oh my goodness, I’m leaving the country for
two weeks in just three days- how in the world will we find time to go through
the review process, get information from doctors and her orphanage, and make a
decision like this?!” I
listened to her as she shared the medical needs this little girl had, that she
was currently 14 months old, and then she asked if we wanted to review the
file. That part was easy- of course we did! She then shared she would email everything to us to review
and then I shared with her that I was just about to contact them, ironically, to
alert them to us leaving the country “just in case” we got a referral and that
communicating with us over those two weeks would be quite difficult if not
impossible really.
I hung up the phone and sat stunned and excited, trying to
process what had just happened.
Seriously? Did I really just get that call 3 days before leaving the
country?
What??!!! I immediately started having an internal conversation with God. Are you kidding, God? This kind of
things happens to the clients I work with when I call them with their
referrals- how in the world is this now happening to me? What kind of timing is
this? I know you know that I don’t do well with making fast life-changing decisions,
so why in the world would you allow them to call us three days before leaving
the country?
I quickly came back to reality and called Nate and shared the news with him and asked him how quickly could he get
home so we could look at her file together. He was shocked too, to say the
least, and of course headed home a little later. Imagine having a giant present
that you just CANNOT wait to open and yet have to exercise such an amazing
amount of restraint not to open it or even take a little peak. That short hour
seemed like days as I waited for Nate to arrive home. Let’s just say that the rest
of my few hours at work were pretty much pointless as I could--
NOT
FOCUS
A
BIT.
Finally the moment came for us to pull up the email and
review her file. That moment can be likened to that moment when you lay eyes on
your child for the first time. It’s a rush like none other, but yet because
it’s an adoption, you don’t know for sure that everything is going to work out
and that you know for sure it’s going to be your child, etc. There are just so many variables.
We opened the email and laid eyes on a sweet little face
with dark, big, round eyes staring back at us (not to mention a cute, little, bald head). She was a tiny little one weighing only 15 pounds. A medical file that had some
big unknowns in it as well as some known things.
We just sat there and stared.
We took in every word.
We read every detail.
We hung on every description.
We were drawn in, but ever-so-cautiously with guarded
hearts.
And then we talked. We talked into the early morning hours
about how this would look. How could we make a decision? What else did we need
before we made a decision? Would our team of doctors we had established for
this big moment, even be able to provide feedback before we left the country so
that we could even confirm that with our agency? So, so many questions.
Then I had read this on that very day—
“I will lead the blind
in a way that they do not know, in paths they have not known- I’ll guide them.
I will turn darkness into light, and rough places into level ground. These are
the things that I do- I do not forsake them.”
I then realized, there are just things that we may not know.
There are things that God will make clear. (I knew that in my head, but it just
hadn’t made its way fully into my heart) That night we forwarded her file to
three doctors, one of which was the leader of our local International Adoption
Clinic and two others who had experience with adoptions from China and who had
adopted as well. We told them our situation and that we were leaving the
country in 3 days and desperately needed to have answers and, at the very
least, needed to know from a medical standpoint, what additional questions to
ask the orphanage so that we could obtain important updates and ask more about
her health, etc. We knew there were some questionable things in her file that
were concerning and unclear, so we wanted to ask questions and get clarity.
The day before we left for Guatemala, we heard back from
doctors some who had good things to say, but also had to share with us some
concerns and risks we needed to know about moving forward. There could be some
other big medical needs that they wouldn’t be able to confirm until she was
actually examined stateside. We had to be ok with those risks and unknowns.
Ok God, we knew
adoption was a faith-walk, but did you really have to add in an extra piece
like this- another unknown variable requiring us to make the decision of our
lives all the while not knowing exactly where that decision might lead if we
say yes?
We called our agency to let them know that we received
feedback from doctors and there were some big questions that they needed to ask
for us and some updates we really needed in order to make a final decision. (even
though at this point we just almost knew in our hearts it would be yes) We told
them responding from Guatemala would be very difficult and we likely not have Internet
connection that was reliable. We also knew that as a team we “unplug” while on
mission, so that we can fully focus on God, our team, and our serving while in
country, so connecting via email at any given time would be very hard to do.
So with that, we left the country with our team headed to
Guatemala to serve for a week, later to be joined by our second team on week
two. We were so excited about our
trip, yet it was so hard to focus and keep this big news a secret, but we knew
we had to since we had not yet given our agency a decision. Try hanging out 24 hours a day for two
straight weeks with a bunch of people you’ve come to know and love over the
past several months and have such a big secret resting on your shoulders, yet
not sharing it with a single person. Add to that finding out upon arrival in
country that you would not be sharing a room with your spouse at any point on
the trip, so quiet moments together alone would be few and far between. When
and how would we even talk about this if we did get an update?
Oh the thoughts that went through my head that week as we
served in our village.
I’ll never forget thinking as we walked along the dusty path
through the middle of the village our church adopted, that there was a little
girl from another village on the opposite side of the world who now needed a
family. A girl whose face just three
short days ago, we had never seen- whose name we had never heard; yet, whose
face we could not get out of our minds no matter how hard we tried.
I remember celebrating our very first church service in the
village in the building we had just constructed on the very day that Orphan
Sunday is celebrated globally and thinking, wow- at this very moment as we
stand here worshipping with believers in this tiny village in Guatemala- all
around the world in churches around the globe believers are banding together
for the cause of the orphan, sharing God’s plan for adoption both physically and
spiritually, and sharing how the Bible admonishes believers to care for the
orphan, the widow, and the poor.
What was even more interesting was that Orphan Sunday 2014 was being
filmed and shot on location in another part of Guatemala at the very timeframe
we were in our village in a church service…coincidence? - I don’t think so.
As we spent time each day in our village, I distinctly remember
walking past thatched roof and homes with walls made of sticks and thinking,
“What was her past like?” “What kind
of home did she come from in China?”
“Who found her at a month old
abandoned?”
I remember holding abandoned babies who were very ill, but who were now in
a hospital on the campus of the ministry where we were serving... babies who were
being nursed back to health and who, for many, would be sent to the orphanage
on campus to be cared for in the months to come. I remember thinking “I wonder
what their stories are?” “I wonder
if this child will ever see their mom or dad again?” “I wonder if this child I’m holding is the size she is?”
Question and question filled my mind for the entire two
weeks. (and lest you doubt, I was able to focus on ministry that week, albeit a
bit clouded at times with personal thoughts and moments to process)
Then the day finally
came.
I could check email and saw that we had received an update
from our agency. This was it! The information Nate and I had been waiting for!
Then to our dismay, we couldn’t get any of the attachments to open, no videos
to play, and could only make out part of the email for a short time while the
internet cooperated that basically said we need a decision by Friday or we
cannot guarantee this child’s file to your family.
What? Suddenly, we realized we would head back to the states
not knowing whether we’d now have the chance to even confirm that she was our
little one. We would not be able
to meet the requested deadline and would have to wait until we entered the
states late that Saturday and with hopes, send an email to our agency that
weekend, knowing they would not receive it until Monday. When I shared this with Nate he was just
calm and said, “If it’s God’s will, she’ll still there on Monday and it will
all work out.” (all the while I’m thinking- HOW IN THE
WORLD can you be so calm about this, right NOW, knowing we have pictures and
video and can’t see them and could lose her file and are under the pressure of
this and just the day to day difficulties of being overseas serving, etc. –
hey, they say adoptive mommas get crazy and stressed too during their “paper
pregnancy”, so this probably proved that!)
That’s when a little 5-letter word that we are all so
familiar with came to mind.
Faith.
If there is one word that describes adoption, it is faith. Even one of the International Adoption
Clinic doctors we spoke with right before leaving for Guatemala said this very
thing during our referral review about international adoption, “I truly believe adoption is a walk of faith,
it can be hard with limited information, but you must know what you can
handle.”
-Faith in the unseen and the unknown
-Faith in knowing God has a bigger plan in mind
-Faith in knowing he has her in His very hand on the other
side of the world
-Faith in knowing that if God calls, He will equip us for
every last thing we could possibly ever face
-Faith in knowing God knew all of these details well before
the beginning of time and He’s got every single detail under control.
Every. Single. One.
Little did I know that the entire two weeks in Guatemala,
God had given Nate this very same word- faith- and had been telling Him, let go
and just trust Me.
So, two weeks after our feet had walked the dusty roads of
Guatemala, we arrived back home and our feet walked among familiar people and
upon familiar ground.We could access our email easily and finally see those updates that had been sitting in our inbox for a week.
Time to send that all-important email to our agency Sunday
night. We talked and both agreed
God had used our trip to open our eyes to faith, trust, and to accept. Though there were some big unknowns in
our “yes” to this little one, we both felt God saying and reminding us of what
“Fear, Trust, and Surrender” looks like and to take that leap of faith.
So on National Adoption Day, we made the final decision to
make this little one a part of our family.
The following day while waiting to hear from our agency, I
just couldn’t work. I took off an extra day to just rest and felt the need to
continue to hear from God. That day God gave amazing things that to this day,
provided an overwhelming sense of peace and trust in our decision like I never
could have imagined.
Here are just some of
the lyrics from worship songs I listened to (by no choice of my own- just
random sampling that day on Pandora):
“You are peace, you
are peace, when my fear is crippling…”
“…where fear surrounds
me, you’ve never failed and you won’t start now- lead me where my trust is
without borders, help me walk upon the waters, wherever you would call me- take
me deeper than my feet would ever wander, where my faith will be made stronger,
in the presence of my Savior…”
“…I know who goes
before me…”
“I’ll stand, with arms
high and heart abandoned, in awe of the One who gave it all..my soul
surrendered- all I am is yours…
“Who makes the orphan,
a son or daughter…”
“Bring your doubts,
bring your fears…”
“I surrender all to
you…”
The Daily Oswald
Chambers reading that day- -
As long as you
maintain your own personal interests and ambitions, you can’t be completely
aligned to or identified with God’s interests. This can only be accomplished by
giving up all of your personal plans once and for all and by allowing God to
take you directly into His purpose for the world. Your understanding of your
ways must also be surrendered, because they are now the ways of the Lord. I
must learn that the purpose of my life belongs to God, not me. God is using me from His great
perspective and all He asks of me is that I trust Him. I should never say,
“Lord, this causes me such great heartache”. When I stop telling God what I
want, He can freely work His will without hindrance. He simply asks me to have
absolute faith in Him and in His goodness.”
Other verses read
that day:
“ I will praise the Lord…blessed is He whose hope is in the
Lord… who keeps faith forever…who executes justice for the oppressed, who gives
food to the hungry… the Lord lifts those who are bowed down…The Lord watches
over the sojourner and He upholds the widow and the orphan… -- Psalm 146
“Fear not...when you pass through the waters, I’ll be with you…they
won’t overwhelm you…
“Fear not… I am with you. I will bring your offspring from
the East…”
“…Bring my sons from afar and my daughters from the ends of
the earth…
Verse after verse that day spoke truth to my heart and gave
me a peace that could only come from Him. Were there still concerns in our
heart and things we wouldn’t know for months until we brought her home and things we may not know for years to come?
Absolutely.
Yet we were being held together by the one thought and
promise that God was completely in control of every last detail.
Just. Trust. Me.
There are some amazing things that followed on the heels of
our decision. Things that I will save for another post for another day. What we
can say emphatically is that God truly was in every last detail of our adoption
and we can look back now with eyes wide open that He did above and beyond anything
we could have ever imagined and brought a little girl into our family that we
could now never imagine living without.
“Unto Him who is able
to do exceeding and abundantly above all that we ask or imagine…unto Him be the
glory…” - - Ephesians 3:20a-21a
