Ladybug's First Halloween- Viewing it through Different Lenses

This weekend we took little peanut on her first ever Halloween rendezvous. 

For all she knew we were just taking another evening stroll around the neighborhood- except that you couldn't get too far before the sounds of giggling children and a few mysterious characters would suddenly emerge on the horizon. 

I often wonder what goes through toddler's heads regarding Halloween. I mean, let's be real, a two year old has no concept of what is about to happen really and probably wonders what happened to their comfy jammies and why in the world are my parents putting me in a weird outfit and acting like the paparazzi? (this momma would never be guilty of that, right?)  

I can only imagine what might go through those tiny little minds of theirs. I also wonder for a child who has lived their entire life in an orphanage, what the night must look like through their eyes for the first time. 

To suddenly be surrounded by a bunch of giggling and screaming children running down the street. 

To be coming face to face with a number of strangers - in crazy costumes no less.  

To have these weird glowing orange things out on porches. 

To have absolutely none or very little context for the majority of kid's costumes they see. (some that can be downright frightening if you run into the wrong kid)

To, in some cases, be able to have access to candy that is "all yours" and take as much as you want of it out of bowl when in the past all you've known is nothing is yours and everything is limited or there is never enough.

To experience candy for the first time.

To wear a costume for the first time. 

We have to admit, this weekend proved just how far she's come in the last 9 months since being placed in our arms. This was a girl who we couldn't, for the first month or so, even get to walk outside on the sidewalk without being frightened by everything. To think it took us several months to get to the point where even could even walk down our sidewalk together as a family.

Fast forward to Halloween night-- before the actual process started, little ladybug wanted to wander up and down the sidewalks and pretty much wanted to lead the way. She wanted to run in the grass...

(something she wouldn't even come close to doing for months when first coming home) She also wanted to pick up straw and act like a music conductor apparently!

She wanted to make silly faces and sniff the bush in front of the house...

It took about 4 houses before she would come out of her daddy's arms, 

but once she got the knack for this new little activity, she would point to the next house and then begin to walk up to the door and either knock or ring the bell.  Though she couldn't say 'Trick or Treat' she definitely knew something was up if someone didn't come to the door. She'd look at Nate and I as if to say, "Well that wasn't fun. Where's the guy with the candy?"  Of course, she still doesn't even know what candy is nor what it looks like (if only we could keep her that way forever, right?) but she knew she was getting "something" that was hers to put in her little treat bag she had made just days before.  

It was fun watching her face turn into all smiles when someone would give her candy or when she came to a house where you could "get your own" out of a bowl... she'd look as if to say "Hmm....I wonder if I can take as much as I want--do you think they'd mind if I took a few extra ones for momma and daddy?"

She was mesmerized by all the pumpkins (which was one of her newest words in the last two weeks) and especially the ones that were lit up. She was in awe of the people who had a little fire pit in the front yard and kept using her new word "fire" over and over again. (I think she may have liked the fire more than the actual candy process and decided those were her new favorite neighbors)

Halloween took on a whole new meaning seeing it for the first time through the eyes of a child who has never been a part of this little activity. If you are a social media person, you know that the whole afternoon and evening was filled with photos of cute little babies in costumes, of little toddlers and their siblings dressed as their favorite characters, who of course had made up their minds that they most certainly were not going to smile for their mommas who were taking the pictures. Facebook and Instagram feeds were filled with adorable faces, cute costumes, creative costume ideas, crazy adults, and cute kid pictures--you automatically knew that was pretty much all you were going to see if you viewed your Facebook or Instagram accounts that day of or the day following. (and let's be honest, most parents are guilty and there is nothing wrong in sharing your joy)

However, this day feels very different for many.  I could remember being in the adoption process and watching Halloween come around. Watching the Facebook pictures as they poured in and thinking "another year without our little one".  I would enjoy seeing the cute little eyes staring back at me on social media, but would find my mind often wandering and asking, "If she had been here this year, what would we have dressed her as? " "Would we have even gone out to trick or treat?" I have a new found sensitivity for those holidays and times of the year when I know it's a struggle for my friends who want oh so badly to have a little one, for my friends who have lost children, for my friends who have been told they can't have a child so are looking into what that might mean for their family. I know certain holidays can be fun for many people, but we often overlook those who on this day or other family or child related holidays, hurt deeply and long to be the one posting cute little photos of their little one in his zebra costume or watching their little girl twirl around in her princess dress. To be the daddy that gets to toss his little girl into the air or walk hand in hand with his son down the sidewalk both dressed as super heroes. 

For some it is more than they can handle and they feel crushed by the weight of what "might be" or "one day be" but isn't at this moment. Feelings of frustration, jealousy, anger, questioning....the list could go on and on about the various emotions that some of those around us may be feeling during these times. "Why isn't it our turn to post cute Halloween photos?" "When will we get to pick out a cute little costume for our little one?" "How much longer is God going to ask us to wait?"

These are just some of the many thoughts that many of those around us may be thinking on this holiday. Sure our friends rejoice with us and yes, they may enjoy looking at their Facebook feed because who can disagree that at Halloween pretty much every kid is just flat out cute? However, it doesn't change the fact that looking at their Facebook or Instagram feeds bring about some strong emotions tied to all that they are seeing and feeling during this holiday and longing for that missing piece in their lives and family. 

So while this is a fun time for many families and their children, let us always remember that not everyone is viewing Halloween through the same set of lenses. Let us be compassionate with those who need that extra dose of compassion or lend a listening ear for those who just need to just be heard. That listening ear or big hug might be just what they truly need from you following the weekend of Halloween.

That First Look into Her Eyes A Year Ago

A year ago today, we laid eyes for the first time on this sweet little one. 

I will never forget that feeling.  Let me rewind a little and go back to that very day…

I was at work and it was just your typical day, but extremely busy as I was taking off for two week to help lead a mission trip to Guatemala. Nate and I had joked a few months before when we committed to leading two teams back to back that wouldn’t it be funny (or not so funny) if we got a referral while we were in Guatemala? (knowing that it would be complicated and quite honestly they would unlikely be able to reach us anyway)  So on this very Wednesday, October 22, I had been working hard to try to get ahead on work and cover all the bases while I would be out when suddenly I looked down and my cell phone was ringing.

 It was our adoption agency. (Insert both excitement, panic, and shock!—well sort of, we were on alert and in our hearts knew we’d get the call soon, but you just never know exactly when to expect it)

For those of you who have given birth to a child, you know what it is like to wait for “that moment to arrive” – when you will see your child’s face for the first time. When you will suddenly realize that labor is beginning and things are going to start moving along at a fast pace that, quite honestly, you have absolutely no control over.  In the world of adoption, there are some experiences that parallel with this and “THE REFERRAL CALL” ,as it’s known in the world of adoption, is one of those moments.  The only tricky thing about “the call” is that much like a pregnant momma who experiences false alarms prior to giving birth, families can get a call and it still not always result in the start of “adoption labor” and doesn’t always result in the family’s final match of their child.  There are so many variables with international adoption, and particularly when families participate in a medical needs program. So many unknowns. So many decisions. (but we will leave that for another day and another post)

I hurriedly answered it and on the other end was one of the China staff members saying, “We have a match for you and would like to talk to you about a beautiful little girl!” I will admit my heart skipped a few beats because all I could focus on in the moment was where my mind was already racing to and apparently I had already begun carrying on a conversation with myself-- “Oh my goodness, I’m leaving the country for two weeks in just three days- how in the world will we find time to go through the review process, get information from doctors and her orphanage, and make a decision like this?!”  I listened to her as she shared the medical needs this little girl had, that she was currently 14 months old, and then she asked if we wanted to review the file. That part was easy- of course we did!  She then shared she would email everything to us to review and then I shared with her that I was just about to contact them, ironically, to alert them to us leaving the country “just in case” we got a referral and that communicating with us over those two weeks would be quite difficult if not impossible really.

I hung up the phone and sat stunned and excited, trying to process what had just happened.  Seriously? Did I really just get that call 3 days before leaving the country?

What??!!!  I immediately started having an internal conversation with God. Are you kidding, God? This kind of things happens to the clients I work with when I call them with their referrals- how in the world is this now happening to me? What kind of timing is this? I know you know that I don’t do well with making fast life-changing decisions, so why in the world would you allow them to call us three days before leaving the country?

I quickly came back to reality and called Nate and shared the news with him and asked him how quickly could he get home so we could look at her file together. He was shocked too, to say the least, and of course headed home a little later. Imagine having a giant present that you just CANNOT wait to open and yet have to exercise such an amazing amount of restraint not to open it or even take a little peak. That short hour seemed like days as I waited for Nate to arrive home. Let’s just say that the rest of my few hours at work were pretty much pointless as I could--

NOT

FOCUS

A

BIT.

Finally the moment came for us to pull up the email and review her file. That moment can be likened to that moment when you lay eyes on your child for the first time. It’s a rush like none other, but yet because it’s an adoption, you don’t know for sure that everything is going to work out and that you know for sure it’s going to be your child, etc.  There are just so many variables.

We opened the email and laid eyes on a sweet little face with dark, big, round eyes staring back at us (not to mention a cute, little, bald head). She was a tiny little one weighing only 15 pounds. A medical file that had some big unknowns in it as well as some known things.  

We just sat there and stared.

We took in every word.

We read every detail.

We hung on every description.

We were drawn in, but ever-so-cautiously with guarded hearts.

And then we talked. We talked into the early morning hours about how this would look. How could we make a decision? What else did we need before we made a decision? Would our team of doctors we had established for this big moment, even be able to provide feedback before we left the country so that we could even confirm that with our agency? So, so many questions.

Then I had read this on that very day—

“I will lead the blind in a way that they do not know, in paths they have not known- I’ll guide them. I will turn darkness into light, and rough places into level ground. These are the things that I do- I do not forsake them.”

I then realized, there are just things that we may not know. There are things that God will make clear. (I knew that in my head, but it just hadn’t made its way fully into my heart) That night we forwarded her file to three doctors, one of which was the leader of our local International Adoption Clinic and two others who had experience with adoptions from China and who had adopted as well. We told them our situation and that we were leaving the country in 3 days and desperately needed to have answers and, at the very least, needed to know from a medical standpoint, what additional questions to ask the orphanage so that we could obtain important updates and ask more about her health, etc. We knew there were some questionable things in her file that were concerning and unclear, so we wanted to ask questions and get clarity.

The day before we left for Guatemala, we heard back from doctors some who had good things to say, but also had to share with us some concerns and risks we needed to know about moving forward. There could be some other big medical needs that they wouldn’t be able to confirm until she was actually examined stateside. We had to be ok with those risks and unknowns.

Ok God, we knew adoption was a faith-walk, but did you really have to add in an extra piece like this- another unknown variable requiring us to make the decision of our lives all the while not knowing exactly where that decision might lead if we say yes?

We called our agency to let them know that we received feedback from doctors and there were some big questions that they needed to ask for us and some updates we really needed in order to make a final decision. (even though at this point we just almost knew in our hearts it would be yes) We told them responding from Guatemala would be very difficult and we likely not have Internet connection that was reliable. We also knew that as a team we “unplug” while on mission, so that we can fully focus on God, our team, and our serving while in country, so connecting via email at any given time would be very hard to do.

So with that, we left the country with our team headed to Guatemala to serve for a week, later to be joined by our second team on week two.  We were so excited about our trip, yet it was so hard to focus and keep this big news a secret, but we knew we had to since we had not yet given our agency a decision.  Try hanging out 24 hours a day for two straight weeks with a bunch of people you’ve come to know and love over the past several months and have such a big secret resting on your shoulders, yet not sharing it with a single person. Add to that finding out upon arrival in country that you would not be sharing a room with your spouse at any point on the trip, so quiet moments together alone would be few and far between. When and how would we even talk about this if we did get an update?

 There were oh so many times while in Guatemala where it would have been so easy to accidentally slip up and say something.  I’ll never forget one night walking down to dinner several on our team asked us all sorts of questions about adoption and our decision to adopt, etc. Talk about a hard conversation! It wasn’t until we later announced our adoption of “Little One” that several people later told us that they felt something was different about us those weeks, but they just couldn’t put a finger on it.  (of course this made us smile big)

Oh the thoughts that went through my head that week as we served in our village.

I’ll never forget thinking as we walked along the dusty path through the middle of the village our church adopted, that there was a little girl from another village on the opposite side of the world who now needed a family.  A girl whose face just three short days ago, we had never seen- whose name we had never heard; yet, whose face we could not get out of our minds no matter how hard we tried.

I remember celebrating our very first church service in the village in the building we had just constructed on the very day that Orphan Sunday is celebrated globally and thinking, wow- at this very moment as we stand here worshipping with believers in this tiny village in Guatemala- all around the world in churches around the globe believers are banding together for the cause of the orphan, sharing God’s plan for adoption both physically and spiritually, and sharing how the Bible admonishes believers to care for the orphan, the widow, and the poor.  What was even more interesting was that Orphan Sunday 2014 was being filmed and shot on location in another part of Guatemala at the very timeframe we were in our village in a church service…coincidence? - I don’t think so.

As we spent time each day in our village, I distinctly remember walking past thatched roof and homes with walls made of sticks and thinking, “What was her past like?” “What kind of home did she come from in China?” “Who found her at a month old abandoned?” 

I remember holding abandoned babies who were very ill, but who were now in a hospital on the campus of the ministry where we were serving... babies who were being nursed back to health and who, for many, would be sent to the orphanage on campus to be cared for in the months to come. I remember thinking “I wonder what their stories are?”  “I wonder if this child will ever see their mom or dad again?”  “I wonder if this child I’m holding is the size she is?”  

Question and question filled my mind for the entire two weeks. (and lest you doubt, I was able to focus on ministry that week, albeit a bit clouded at times with personal thoughts and moments to process)

Then the day finally came.

I could check email and saw that we had received an update from our agency. This was it! The information Nate and I had been waiting for! Then to our dismay, we couldn’t get any of the attachments to open, no videos to play, and could only make out part of the email for a short time while the internet cooperated that basically said we need a decision by Friday or we cannot guarantee this child’s file to your family.

What? Suddenly, we realized we would head back to the states not knowing whether we’d now have the chance to even confirm that she was our little one.  We would not be able to meet the requested deadline and would have to wait until we entered the states late that Saturday and with hopes, send an email to our agency that weekend, knowing they would not receive it until Monday.  When I shared this with Nate he was just calm and said, “If it’s God’s will, she’ll still there on Monday and it will all work out.”  (all the while I’m thinking- HOW IN THE WORLD can you be so calm about this, right NOW, knowing we have pictures and video and can’t see them and could lose her file and are under the pressure of this and just the day to day difficulties of being overseas serving, etc. – hey, they say adoptive mommas get crazy and stressed too during their “paper pregnancy”, so this probably proved that!)

That’s when a little 5-letter word that we are all so familiar with came to mind.

Faith.

If there is one word that describes adoption, it is faith.  Even one of the International Adoption Clinic doctors we spoke with right before leaving for Guatemala said this very thing during our referral review about international adoption, “I truly believe adoption is a walk of faith, it can be hard with limited information, but you must know what you can handle.”

-Faith in the unseen and the unknown

-Faith in knowing God has a bigger plan in mind

-Faith in knowing he has her in His very hand on the other side of the world

-Faith in knowing that if God calls, He will equip us for every last thing we could possibly ever face

-Faith in knowing God knew all of these details well before the beginning of time and He’s got every single detail under control.

Every. Single. One.

Little did I know that the entire two weeks in Guatemala, God had given Nate this very same word- faith- and had been telling Him, let go and just trust Me.

So, two weeks after our feet had walked the dusty roads of Guatemala, we arrived back home and our feet walked among familiar people and upon familiar ground.We could access our email easily and finally see those updates that had been sitting in our inbox for a week.

It was decision time.

Time to send that all-important email to our agency Sunday night.  We talked and both agreed God had used our trip to open our eyes to faith, trust, and to accept.  Though there were some big unknowns in our “yes” to this little one, we both felt God saying and reminding us of what “Fear, Trust, and Surrender” looks like and to take that leap of faith.

So on National Adoption Day, we made the final decision to make this little one a part of our family.

The following day while waiting to hear from our agency, I just couldn’t work. I took off an extra day to just rest and felt the need to continue to hear from God. That day God gave amazing things that to this day, provided an overwhelming sense of peace and trust in our decision like I never could have imagined.

Here are just some of the lyrics from worship songs I listened to (by no choice of my own- just random sampling that day on Pandora):

“You are peace, you are peace, when my fear is crippling…”

“…where fear surrounds me, you’ve never failed and you won’t start now- lead me where my trust is without borders, help me walk upon the waters, wherever you would call me- take me deeper than my feet would ever wander, where my faith will be made stronger, in the presence of my Savior…”

“…I know who goes before me…”

“I’ll stand, with arms high and heart abandoned, in awe of the One who gave it all..my soul surrendered- all I am is yours…

“Who makes the orphan, a son or daughter…”

“Bring your doubts, bring your fears…”

“I surrender all to you…”

The Daily Oswald Chambers reading that day- -

As long as you maintain your own personal interests and ambitions, you can’t be completely aligned to or identified with God’s interests. This can only be accomplished by giving up all of your personal plans once and for all and by allowing God to take you directly into His purpose for the world. Your understanding of your ways must also be surrendered, because they are now the ways of the Lord. I must learn that the purpose of my life belongs to God, not me.  God is using me from His great perspective and all He asks of me is that I trust Him. I should never say, “Lord, this causes me such great heartache”. When I stop telling God what I want, He can freely work His will without hindrance. He simply asks me to have absolute faith in Him and in His goodness.”

Other verses read that day:

“ I will praise the Lord…blessed is He whose hope is in the Lord… who keeps faith forever…who executes justice for the oppressed, who gives food to the hungry… the Lord lifts those who are bowed down…The Lord watches over the sojourner and He upholds the widow and the orphan…  -- Psalm 146

“Fear not...when you pass through the waters, I’ll be with you…they won’t overwhelm you…

“Fear not… I am with you. I will bring your offspring from the East…”

“…Bring my sons from afar and my daughters from the ends of the earth…

Verse after verse that day spoke truth to my heart and gave me a peace that could only come from Him. Were there still concerns in our heart and things we wouldn’t know for months until we brought her home and things we may not know for years to come?

Absolutely.

Yet we were being held together by the one thought and promise that God was completely in control of every last detail.

Just. Trust. Me.

There are some amazing things that followed on the heels of our decision. Things that I will save for another post for another day. What we can say emphatically is that God truly was in every last detail of our adoption and we can look back now with eyes wide open that He did above and beyond anything we could have ever imagined and brought a little girl into our family that we could now never imagine living without.

“Unto Him who is able to do exceeding and abundantly above all that we ask or imagine…unto Him be the glory…” - - Ephesians 3:20a-21a